EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
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My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
ME (calling my horse with no name):
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.