[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
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“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*