“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
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[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Bros before Ohioes
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house