if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
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Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000