@BlotterMonkey: Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
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@JohnLyonTweets: *approaches woman in club* Me: Would you like to dance? Her: Sure. Me: While you're dancing can I sit in your chair? I'm really tired.
@NotThatKunal: Robocop's guns malfunction. Robocop gets sued for manslaughter. Robocop loses his home. Hobocop.
@Hobo_Splendido: The nephew I'm babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
@SarcasticAlly12: Dr: do you know why you gained weight? *Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele* Me: no, better run some tests