Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
You Might Also Like
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.