@nathanfielder: Experiment: text your parents "got 2 grams for $40" then right after "Sorry ignore that txt. Not for you" Then tweet pic of their response.
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@ohpeetie: Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"
@FishySnowborder: I like my women with curves. Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they're hungry.
@bransonreese: Hate it when I'm fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it's just me in there.