Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
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Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.