@nathanfielder: Experiment: text your parents "got 2 grams for $40" then right after "Sorry ignore that txt. Not for you" Then tweet pic of their response.
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@CantWaitToNap: Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd. Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
@HatfieldAnne: Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo: -Everything bites -So much pushing -Did you bring quarters? -OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
@OtherDanOBrien: *Detective stands over murder victim* This looks like a case of... *Takes off sunglasses* *Removes contacts* *Brushes teeth* *Goes to bed*
@TheRolo: Me: I would love to sleep with you Her: ok I think we're ready for this [We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]