I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
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You when you started twitter vs. you now.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.