Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
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Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed