@SprtsHumor: Experts determine Super Bowl blackout was an electrical issue, also determine grass has a green issue.
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@shkeeber: Mom: Where're you going? Me: To dinner with my friends! Mom: Your friends? Me: I'm going to use McDonalds' free Wifi to get on twitter...
@UnrealRogue: [Exchanging gifts at family's house] *family opens up my gifts -uh, a history book? Your Facebook post suggested that you needed it.
@MelvinofYork: If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I'm going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
@bombfunk75: Get your rock star name, like Axl Rose did, by selecting a car part and then a flower. Mine is Crankshaft Tulip