Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
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*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
If snakes were wide
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
The best shot in the history of golf
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then