Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
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It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
How do you milk an almond?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.