[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
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[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store