EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.