Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
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[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future