Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
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I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies