Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
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I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
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Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet