@neiltyson: Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
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@AmishPornStar1: Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people? Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
@7_Cents: Vin Diesel: Is it fast? Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast. Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
@weismanjake: When someone tells me to have a safe flight it's like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane
@Michael_Erhart: [First date] Me: "So, what do you do?" Date: "I'm a librarian." Me: "Oh, my bad." *Whispers for the entire rest of the date*