Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
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Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.