Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
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I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Phonetics
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it