Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
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She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
The struggle is real.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.