[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
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I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
This is so me 😂😂
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
i actually laughed 😩
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one