[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
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If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I鈥檇 be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I鈥檒l be wearing them out
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Literally! 馃ぃ #dogs
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 馃ぃ
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Baller is short for ballerina
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”