Jogging
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Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*