Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
You Might Also Like
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
this independent good boy don’t need no human