my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
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Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.