@TheKegKiller: Me: You can't arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
@lloydrang: Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
@ShutUpThatsWho: [walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
@XplodingUnicorn: I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
@thatUPSdude: Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?
"hey I'm taking a shit but come on in and join me"
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