@shawnspree: My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public. "THIS is my wife.." *looks down at the ground *sighs *kicks can

@omgthatspunny: Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.

@shariv67: One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit 'add your location' to a tweet.

@sofarrsogud: My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters. My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

@HomeProbably: I've just text my new girlfriend that I'm into all sorts of douchebaggery. Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.