@TheSnideOne: Face tattoos are a great way to let people know that you don't owe on any student loans.
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@david8hughes: Then god said, "Let there be light," and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson's nose.
@yoopnative: Just ran outside in a t shirt & panties to save a bird from my cat's mouth. My kid thinks I'm a hero. My neighbor wants to have drinks later
@UberFacts: Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
@splegge: Put a pill in wife's mouth while asleep "WTF you doing?" "for your headache." "I don't have one!" Just what I wanted to hear! *unzip flys