You Might Also Like
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
2022 will be better than 2021
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Huge, if true.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?