I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
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[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I’m not stressed
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?