ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
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Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
she has a point
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men