Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
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[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.