Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
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A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
nyc:
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”