Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
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ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.