@McNevich: Facebook game requests are the Jehovah's Witnesses of the Internet
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@Reverend_Scott: The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
@murrman5: [wife yelling in waterpark] "BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR" [top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT'll BE FASTER
@WheelTod: In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I'd just totaled her car.
@Playing_Dad: If God didn't intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started