Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
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Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat