Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
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My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.