Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
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[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!