Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
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[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
can’t talk my ride’s here
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?