Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
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judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
courtroom exchange of the day
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)