Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
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SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*