Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
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Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
This came to me in a dream.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.