Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
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I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
This was my dad’s browser history.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.