11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
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If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!