@goldengateblond: LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

@OhReallyRach: If cupids didnt have wings, theyd just be fat little baby assassins with crossbows.

@LoveNLunchmeat: If you don't count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet's going pretty well today.

@amishschool: This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it's making it that much harder to poison him.

@SoVeryBritish: How to fix something: -Say "let's have a look" -Describe the brokenness -Break it a bit more -Say "nah it's broken" -Place hands on hips