@stevezorz: Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
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@drhappyknuckles: I'm writing a screenplay where a shark attacks people at the beach but, like, emotionally.
@TheCatWhisprer: [pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral] sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
@salmarch79: Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.