I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
You Might Also Like
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.