5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
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Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi