My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
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I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
⛄️
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”