Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
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Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.