Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
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“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
hmmm
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
me, after any kind of buffet.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome