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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
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sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
*exercises sarcastically*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Realize this: