Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
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“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here