Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
You Might Also Like
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys