Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
You Might Also Like
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
DOOO EEEET
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.