Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
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My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.